There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
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Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.