My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
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You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Not all heroes wear capes….
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.