Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
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sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.