Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
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Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
March 16
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me