I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
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Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.