If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
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I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I’m sure it’s fine.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people