No way!
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My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee