Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
You Might Also Like
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)