*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
You Might Also Like
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
This hospital has everything
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
thank god the sign was there
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit