if a staircase can spiral so can i.
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WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost