*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
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I’d rather go liquor treating.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places