Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 馃憣
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[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i鈥檓 at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn鈥檛 show up in a screenshot i was taking
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It鈥檚 all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That鈥檚 what happens when my kid says he鈥檚 taking a shortcut.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I鈥檓 donating some of your books…They鈥檙e just taking up space.
Me: You don鈥檛 get rid of books…besides half of those aren鈥檛 even colored yet.
Her:
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Women aren鈥檛 complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he鈥檚 gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: 岽瘁祾恕矢 刷拾岫︶禇
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Today 褨s a C褨v褨c Hol褨day 褨n Canada. 袗pparently up there they l褨ke to commemorate the 褨nvent褨on of the Honda C褨v褨c.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals