Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
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doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
Vodka burrito was a success
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.