“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
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There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
The Others (2001)
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.