sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
You Might Also Like
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
October already? What’s next? November????
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
A classic…
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.