sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
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Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Welcome
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I just ran a .003048K
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.