Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
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It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
A classic…
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.