If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
You Might Also Like
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Why am I like this?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines