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[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
welp
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.