shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
You Might Also Like
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.