@briangaar

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

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@WittySassBasket

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

@longwall26

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

@TheWidowmakerX

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

@Ameiam

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

@dave_cactus

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

@PajamaBen_

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

@Xalqee

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

@TheCiscoKidder

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

@mom_tho

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

@bridger_w

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk