DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
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If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.