30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
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last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.