ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
You Might Also Like
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
thanks auntie mary
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My dad teaching me to drive
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.