asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
![]()
You Might Also Like
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
![]()
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
![]()
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
![]()
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.