God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
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inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
You know…for fall…
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels