Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
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ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
the #horror is real!
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?