My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
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“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Have kids, they said
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?