Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
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me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk