An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
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Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Something Saturday.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another