Cutest fight ever.. đ
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If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies werenât that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! donât be Treasureâs parents
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I donât know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Iâve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food theyâre selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , Iâm surprised I have any cat left at all.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee thatâs aâŚ
G: *sigh*
B:âŚtall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, âQuit while youâre still ahead?â đ¤đđ¤Łđ¤Ł
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like Iâm holding hands
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchioâs nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said âwow mummy you must have lied a lotâ
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying âgood girlâ and âgood dogâ, and just quietly muttered âgood godâ at a spaniel
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know youâre qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
The Face ID on my phone doesnât recognise me when Iâm smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
tis the season