*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
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Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
you have three unread messages
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”