I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
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My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.