My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
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wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.