I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
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willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
My love language is deader than Latin
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog