I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
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my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”