If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
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I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.