Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
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I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
yes… yes…