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I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*