Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
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[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
subtitles are so good nowadays
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT