Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
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put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know