That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
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Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!