Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
You Might Also Like
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.