so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
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People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
is this meant to deter me
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.