My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
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I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.