ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
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Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
This is a sub tweet
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip