Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
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4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa