1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*