A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
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*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?