I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
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Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.