Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
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I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?