[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
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My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?